home

I got home from my mini break and felt wonderful! Since I live with someone who is diet restricted it is such freedom to eat whatever I wanted! So many vegetables and some spicy new things.

An hour after being at home I got hit with the most incredible exhaustion. I was almost sick I was so tired. I had a nap and the feeling of peace and strength never came back. Sad.

This has been a hard week. In an effort to correct Amy’s tiredness an ALP blood test showed very high levels that are usually associated with liver disease or a bone disorder. Then she had a loopogram. X-ray, contrast, ultrasound, X-ray. We got the results within 3 hours. Fistula on left side, hydronephrosis on right side and other concerning issues.
Nephrostomy tube will definitely be going back in on right side. The rest? Who knows. Will they take her right kidney? Will there be a reconstruction?
Two urologists were going to speak over the weekend so we should hear early this week.

Amy told me to leave her so I can have a life. I won’t but I sure would like some normality.

Everyday I am still grieving the loss of my puppy. Today we sold her crate and I melted. I miss her funny personality, I miss her pretty face however, as much as I cry for her I know my tears are also for Amy and how much she has to endure. The tears are also for me and how much I have lost.
Someone today very carefully asked a gardening question. I gave a very short answer. It was all ok but the part that got me was when she said two things. One was that I should go ahead and plant up some fabulous containers. I have lost the energy for that especially right now. People do not understand how difficult it is to do such a simple task. Everyday life is amazingly hard.
The other was that they wouldn’t be able to go to their vacation property often this summer. I said I was sorry that family commitments were getting in the way of their summer plans but what I wanted to say was “you have a choice. I don’t “. I don’t have a vacation place to escape to and I can’t make any plans with Amy’s latest news.
People have no clue what it’s like to monitor whether Amy’s eyes are turning yellow, seeing how little she can do, watching her walk up a flight of stairs.
we have a few nights booked at the disability lodge in May but we both know it’s likely we’ll have to cancel. It’s a lot of effort to get there and she won’t be able to do much once we’re there so is it worth it?

I’m struggling. I start an in person group for grief in a few days. I know I want someone to magically fix me and that won’t happen. Maybe I can make a friend?