planning for the inevItable.

I’m getting so much better with puppy loss. I imagine her surrounded by love and happiness and that helps me to move on.

Friday is loopogram day. Hopefully, this CT will help pinpoint where leaks are and they can decide if there is any chance they can be repaired. Enterococcus is still present and really limiting what Amy can do. Exhaustion is the biggest challenge.

Being away has shown me that I need to make some changes for my own mental health.
1) I need to do this more. I need to get away more often.
2) I need more time on my own.
3) I need to put a flexible plan for moving forward with my happiness if she never gets better. If this is our reality what does that look like for me?
4) I think I’ve been good at accepting that she may die soon but I need a plan to guide me through the grief. After losing the puppy I felt the physical grief. Heart palpitations, confusion, anger and the immobilizing effects of such a huge loss. Was that to prepare me for what’s to come? While grief is inevitable I don’t really want to go thru that again. Or perhaps I need some resources in place so I can draw on those. No…I do need some resources!
The other day we talked about her death. She was very matter of fact. She knows that the cancer will come back and she knows that will end her. I know it too.
5) So, what will I do? Move? Travel? How will I empty the house? Will I date? Will I stay in touch with her family? Money? Wow, that’s all heavy stuff.

Friday we’ll know more but I feel a need to have a small idea of how things will look in the short term and the long term. Maybe we all need those plans in all aspects of our life.