N 1 patIents

today was the first time I ever heard that reference to a cancer victim.

Amy was told that’s what she is considered. It means that there isn’t enough research done on what is happening with her for them to have any protocols for treatment. Docs are shooting in the dark. They admit they don’t know what to do and they are scared in case it makes things worse.
Amy is considering asking for a referral to Princess Margaret Hospital to see if they have any ideas. It is considered one of the best cancer hospitals in the world.

Enterococcus infection is still raging. They can only treat it with IV antibiotics but are afraid it will only work once and if infection comes back then she’ll be immune. Meantime, she’s pale and weak. She tires easily and I can see the depression setting in.

Me? I’m on that slippery slope too. Depression, anger, frustration, and fear. Everyday I cry for my lost puppy. I know she’s in a better home but I miss her so much.

On Sunday I’m going away for 3 nights where I don’t have to monitor signs of infection, worry about the future or pretend I’m coping. I can just be me and cry for everything I lost.