crisis pt 2

After a weekend of uncertainty her bag started to drain. Yay!
She wasn’t feeling the greatest but not sick enough to go to emerg. Hospital did arrange for her tubes to be changed today but rather than a leg bag they capped the tubes so it’s now totally flowing into her urostomy. Fingers crossed that there’s no backup into her kidney.

We had a rather large fight the other day about our planned trip to the mountains for Christmas. I thought we should cancel in case things get ugly and I didn’t want to lose anymore money. Amy wanted to go as planned and offered to pay for the hotel room if we cancelled.
I think it’s ridiculous to take a chance but we agreed that we would go and hope for the best.

Sooo…back to my anger. I’ll be the first to admit it’s extreme right now. I wish it wasn’t so. I wish I could be calm and loving instead of fearful and bitchy. I wish I could accept that I drove people away and they are just setting boundaries and taking care of their own needs. It’s just hard. I have no one to talk to. Where’s the balance? I’ve become fearful to be around people for fear of offending them. I seem to always say the wrong thing so I’m trying to say nothing at all. Just keep my mouth closed.

I watch YouTube caregivers that always seem to put a positive spin on things. Life is hard but they cope. None of them talking about losing support. Just me? What is wrong with that picture. Don’t they ever get angry? Am I wrong? Nothing out there to show what I might be feeling is normal.
Am I normal?