too much anger

Today, I’m feeling very sad.
I get no support anymore. No one has any idea what life is like for us. It’s been months since anyone asked me about me. I mean really asked me. Not, “how are ya”, crap where they expect me me to say “fine”. I’m not fine. I’m not even ok. I’m broken.
it amazes me how often people expect that once a person is out of hospital they expect them to be healthy and happy. Patients are expected to recover at home often with many complications.

Amy is doing ok with no signs of infection so, I’m grateful for that. Her Neph tube is leaking and she still has back pain. Ultrasound done a few days ago and showed nothing so, it could be as simple as a stitch that’s irritating her.
that’s what people don’t get. It just never ends.

My new attitude to ask for no help and tell no one what’s happening is really hard for me. I think it’s a personality thing. I process information by talking and my fear of losing more people, even if it’s a superficial relationship, is greater than my need to try to get support. I am ashamed of how I’ve driven people away with my neediness. I’m ashamed that I asked people to shop for us or help with household tasks. I should have been stronger but all the cancer support places say that caregivers should ask for what they need. I guess that’s good advice for everyone except me because now I’m alone.

I’m angry. I’m terrified for what lays ahead. I refuse to make plans for fear of losing money. Our anniversary plans went to shit cuz we couldn’t make a commitment. It’s not Amy’s fault. It’s no one’s fault. It’s not her fault she’s palliative. It’s not the medical system at fault. It’s simply the body she was born with. So, who I am angry at? Family and ex friends. Why can’t they understand? Why can’t they? Intellectually I know why. It’s too frightening, they have their own lives, they don’t understand, they’re too busy. I get it. Where does that leave me? When do I get to be too ….? When do I get a break?
It’s not easy to just take a holiday ( the last time I tried I lost my last friend and thousands of dollars) because I’ll still wonder what’s happening at home.
We’re going to the mountains next week for 3 days. Sounds terrific right? But the bags, the smells, the limited ability, limited food, watching for infection all comes with us. We can’t just leave it at home.

Will we have more conversations about assisted suicide, funeral plans and hospice? The latest discussion was about me dating so I could get some support and have some fun. But I discovered that I have to put my picture on line and the risk of someone I know seeing me would cause more chaos and really hurt Amy even though she gave me permission. What I really want is a friend to go for lunch with. I don’t think I’m asking too much but life is fickle.

todays anger is from my last friend walking away. When she accused me of being a victim I should have slammed her and told her off instead of explaining that in actuality I am a victim. I had never thought of myself as a victim until that email. Why does she get to judge me? I wasn’t playing a victim I was simply expressing that I was sad that I had to cancel a holiday that I was desperate for but…I was too busy to grieve because Amy was very sick. She said it was my choice to cancel and that I didn’t have to. Ummm…wtf? 4 days before the cruise was to leave and your partner is admitted to hospital and you expect me to still go? What kind of delusional twisted thinking is that? Maybe I’m not the broken one.
Ok, now I’m not so angry. It’s better that she’s gone but I will always regret dumping so much on her that she felt she had to say that. It’s better that we no longer speaking cuz no one will get hurt.

if you read this could you please comment just so I know someone is out there?