Rainbows and Black Unicorns

Tag: cancer caregivers

  • anger

    Why today? I feel so much anger and resentment from things that have happened years ago. Why does it pop up seemingly out of nowhere? Like the person I asked to do a Costco during Covid. We were over our heads with cancer stuff and I thought she won’t mind. She was so angry when…

  • and it continues…

    Last week we met with a surgeon to discuss removal of a pouch that’s developed along Amy’s incision line. The surgeon was less interested in that benign growth than she was in the horrific number of infections and hospitalizations she had. Everyone agreed that the fistula leaking urine into her gut is actually the more…

  • too much anger

    Today, I’m feeling very sad. I get no support anymore. No one has any idea what life is like for us. It’s been months since anyone asked me about me. I mean really asked me. Not, “how are ya”, crap where they expect me me to say “fine”. I’m not fine. I’m not even ok.…

  • its far from over

    It seems like people have gotten back to their regular lives and have forgotten about us and our needs. Do I blame them? No. I’m sure I’ve done the same. We can only hold so much angst. If something is has to go it’s going to be cancer patient and caregiver support so they can…

  • surgery update

    Amy’s minor kidney surgery went well. No complications afterwards. There was a small temperature spike but that resolved itself. Yeah! Now, we just wait until the antibiotics cease to make sure no infections grow. I’m almost feeling like we might be able to make some plans going forward. Our anniversary is at the end of…

  • Scanxiety is real

    If you’re a cancer patient, survivor or caregiver you’ll be very aware of scanxiety. Every new procedure, scan or doctor visit can bring it on. It’s the unknown that rocks us off our tenuous balance beam. What will they say? What happens next? How will we cope? Scanxiety is so strong today. Surgery is tomorrow…

  • Upcoming surgery

    Caregivers experience of stress related to upcoming tests or surgery, is very real. Amy will be having a minor surgery in 2 days. It’s a kidney stent being inserted to keep the tubes from collapsing. It’s not a big deal but last time a whole chain reaction of infection leading to sepsis started from this…

  • Aloneness vs loneliness

    I’m alone and I’m lonely. In my aloneness I’m getting some stuff done that I’ve been too busy or tired to do. That is wonderful. In my loneliness I find myself worrying about the past and the future. Will we ever get to travel? Will the cancer recur for the umpteenth time? We have an…

  • I was wrong

    What was I thinking when I said I didn’t care if the cyber community read what I wrote? Today, I care because it’s a hard day. Amy is pale and fatigued. I’m anxious and feel like the next shoe is about to drop. I don’t know where that is coming from. It feels awful. I…