Still the anger persists.

I guess I won’t stop feeling it until it gets resolved. Haven’t figured that out yet. Maybe I should just move away.

Amy still hasn’t heard from the magic surgeon but she’s been relentless about calling and asking where she’s at. It appears the referral has been made and now waiting for it to be triaged. I’ll guess that will happen within a month. He still may or may not accept her for surgery.

While it’s great that the infections have stopped her energy is rapidly decreasing. Why? What is going on that is draining her?

PETscan mid November. Anxiety has already started. No decision about surgery will be made until after PETscan.

I’ve learnt to stay out of it and besides I have my own fatigue to deal with. I am slowly getting better so I can see where the oncologist said I should be better by Christmas. I’m hoping that is the case.

I’ve started planning for her death. I went to a funeral home to get info about the process and the cost. I’ve picked out music and have ideas for a slide show…but she’s not dying! Why am I’m doing this now? I think I need some control. I know surgery could kill her and with everything I’ve been dealing with I have no spare energy or room to get blindsided with making decisions on the fly.

It’s all very sad but I was very calm and staid during the funeral home visit. The only issue I had was when I was told to bring in Amy’s social insurance card so it could be cancelled. That stunned me because her number gets cancelled. I saw her being erased like she never existed or mattered. I understand the reasoning behind it but it got me.

I’d be lying if I said the waiting for the surgeon wasn’t getting to me. I already have so much anxiety and everyday waiting for the phone to ring is torture. I’m grateful for 5pm and weekends.

So back to the anger…yup I have multiple reasons to be angry but still society dictates that you never show it, don’t express it but instead swallow it and put on that fake smile and pretend everything is fine. I’m not fine. I’m not good nor am I happy. I have nothing to look forward to and I can’t see any resolution in the near future. I can’t figure out how to rid my life of toxic people so that I feel good. They continually imply I’m wrong. The lack of support is my fault. So hard to keep fighting knowing that.

Life is hard. I just wish someone had prepared me.