Anger as an entity

I might have learnt something about anger this week.

If anger is an object what does it look like? Mine is male (sorry, nothing personal), it’s very large, very hairy, controlling, frightening and aggressive. Basically, a monster.

What I realized is that monster can be tamed. I can banish it beyond my walls. I can lock it out since I am more powerful than it. I can decided when and if it is useful to my survival.

I can control it rather than it controlling me.

The other part is that it can be useful. How can anger be useful? Seems like an oxymoron. Anger has ruled so much of my life how can it be useful?

I think anger can be seen as a catalyst for change. If anger is ever present perhaps it’s trying to tell me something. Are there things I need to change. Is that what the anger is telling me. Is that monster actually trying to help? What a concept.

Here’s an example, my SIL really hurt me and while the details aren’t important the anger won’t let up. I don’t think she computes how much she hurt me because of course I never said anything. I internalized it so I ended up hurting myself. And repeat. And repeat.

Is it possible the monster keeps bringing it up because it wants me to protect myself from it happening again. It wants me to take decisive again. I won’t confront her because family dynamics would make it less safe for me however, I can prevent it from happening again. Next time I will question her motives in a way that will help me to understand why she did what she did because I don’t know why she dismissed me without regard to my feelings.

In that way the anger monster can teach me to protect myself.

Maybe if I see anger as friend instead of a shame based foe maybe I’ll make progress and shake off the horrible feelings I lug around daily.

Wow that took a lot of energy to write! Am I still mad at her? Yup! Will I do better next time. I’ll try…