So about that burn out

Brain fog, low energy, can’t make decisions, can’t handle any stress, avoiding all social situations and lack of hope are all showing me that I’m beyond stressed and have moved into severe burnout.

Sad but true. It doesn’t matter how many articles I read, how much talk therapy I get I’m still burnt out. I guess it’s kinda like a breakdown.

I’ll admit I’ve made a million mistakes in this journey. I went to too many appointments, I took on too much responsibility, I worried so intently I stopped listening to what I need.

Since having my own cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatment effects, I’ve definitely pulled back. I don’t even try to make plans more than one day in advance because life is too variable. Any day Amy could grow another infection. For example last week her insertion site for her nephrology tubes started going green. Pus. Infection number 6000. Nurse came every day to clean it and redress it. It’s ok now but she was told to go to emerg if she developed a fever. Always watching for sepsis. Always worrying about what the next day will bring. Always on guard.

For me I’m struggling with radiation fatigue. Most people don’t understand. they think I should be better by now. The UK has a site I joined about Breast Cancer. Those women saved me from disaster. They verified that what I’m experiencing is NORMAL. Radiation fatigue is real. Some days the fatigue is so bad it makes me nauseous. I can’t think. I can’t process info and I certainly can’t make decisions.

I have to be uber careful about the books I read or the shows I watch because any one of them can trigger me and set me off on the path to collapse.

Not a nice way to live.

A few days ago I had a follow up appointment with a radiation oncologist. Best advise he could have given me was that the length of time from diagnosis to end of active treatment is the same amount of time it will take to recover. In my case it was 6 months from mammogram to the end of radiation. Another 6 months to recover will mean Christmas for me. That’s when they expect me to feel better. It’s so much better knowing I’m not lazy, I am doing my best and there’s only 4 months to go!

Hallelujah! The end is nigh.

But back to caregiver burnout…combining fatigue with burnout really is a recipe for a crisis. And combine all of that with no family or friend support is truly devastating. One friend is all I need and want. Just one friend who gets me.

Maybe I should send this rant to everyone I’ve ever known. Sometimes I want to scream from the rooftops . I once had a friend who sent an email to everyone in her circle after having a miscarriage. She was livid that she wasn’t getting support. I wanna do that but I won’t but I do fantasize about things I would say to people that haven’t stayed connected. Who have disappeared into the night because our life is too burdensome.

Am I angry? Absolutely. Am I hurt? Yes. Would I do the same to them? I’d like to think I’d do better but right now I couldn’t support a horsefly. Maybe they too are incapable of supporting me due to their own traumas.

Now back to Amy and her challenges. We’ve been waiting for this magical surgeon to relocate to our area. He’s here and we’re waiting for him to review her chart and make a decision whether he thinks more surgery can help her. Everyday I wonder what will happen if he thinks surgery will help her. We know it will be high risk, long hospital stay, extremely intense recovery with no guarantees. Surgery could kill her.

Or he could say no more surgery. This is as good as it gets. I believe she will then take matters into her own hands. This not the life she expected ( duh!).

I can’t blame her.

So here we sit on the picket fence of life. Fearful, uncomfortable, uncertain and waiting . Always waiting for the next shoe to drop for the next appointment and the next decision to be made.

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