Am I lonely or alone.

I’m not coping well today. I’m angry.

It seems like no one “gets” me. No one understands what I’m going thru. Here’s my list of grievances today.

Grandson doesn’t seem to like me. He’s 7. He responds so much better to Amy. Me? I’m just an after thought. I can never say the right things.

Someone said to me yesterday that “ it sure seems you and Amy take the long way around the course”!!!! WTF? This was in response to not being over my radiation and Amy having another infection. I found that statement dismissive and judgemental. I want to lash out but it will only cause me more grief.

It’s bs to tell people what is really going on or how much their words hurt. For me it always ends in trauma. They get defensive and then tell you your crap is too much. They cant hear it anymore and I get it. I can’t listen to my own stuff anymore either.

Then she told me all about her kitchen remodel and all money they’re spending. I don’t want to hear about your life. I’m resentful and jealous.

I deleted her email and won’t respond and I hope she goes quietly into that good night. This has happened twice in the last 2 weeks. Last time I decided I wouldn’t communicate with her anymore but then she sent a cheery email about her life. no clue how devastating that is for me.

Can I say I’m tired of Amy’s nephrostomy bags hanging out? She has2 stomas and now these extra bags. Do I have to look at urine all day? If she goes out she stuffs them in a Fanny pack but at home they’re just flopping along as she walks. Ok, yes I could ask her to hide them but is that fair?

I was getting counselling thru a community service but got fired last week. There’s a limit to the number of times one can access their service and I exceeded that limit. I’m angry and now I have another loss to grieve.

The losses just keep piling up and I’m no closer to finding peace.