Resentment

Today is my birthday. Don’t really care but kinda do.

I don’t care because it’s just another day and maybe we make too much outta birthdays.

The part I care about is the lack of ability to go somewhere or do something fun. The restricted value of my life makes me weep. I yearn for the days when life was spontaneous and rejuvenating. When we could go out for dinner, drive to the mountains, have friends over. That’s all gone and I’m left with resentment and jealousy.

I resent that Amy’s disease has cost us so much financially and emotionally. I resent the distress that accompanies her Saturday ER stay because she has yet another infection and the weekend limits her access to prompt medical care. I resent the distress I feel not knowing what will happen next.

While the docs gave her drugs it took 9 hours for them to decide what would “cure” this latest attack on her fragile system. WTF?

I thought she made it clear to everyone that she needed a contingency plan for weekends. They all said the right things but when the emergency hits no one is available!

I no longer go to ER with her. If she was too sick to drive I would drop her off and drive the hour home rather than sit in that decrepit waiting room.

I resent that her family doesn’t pitch in more. They don’t understand how hard it is on me to find funny videos to entertain her while she waits. The constant checking in to query next steps. They don’t get the fear and abandonment I feel. The absolute crushing fear . The fear that defines your life. How did it get this way? How did we get to the point where our only outlet is depression and angst. The only way to cope is to cry.

Sunday was no better even with her system filled with antibiotics. She was cramping, her back ached, and urine wasn’t passing into her bags properly. She debated going back to ER but decided to load up on pain drugs. Monday was better.

Ok, now let’s talk about jealousy. There was a time when I longed for people to tell me their weekend plans, their decorating challenges, their dinner plans, their life. Now I’m just jealous and don’t want to hear it. Take your f@&$ing life and have some compassion for what I’m dealing with. Don’t tell me about your friends or your wine tours or your new puppy. Protect me from reminders of what I’ve lost. Instead ask me how I’m doing. Really ask me then listen. I’m so tired of the throw away lines where people say” how are you” but really expect “fine”. They don’t want the gory details. I don’t want the gory details. I want sunshine and unicorns but that’s not realistic.

I’m jealous because as I age the events I imagined doing are evaporating. I won’t lie I’ve got my own challenges but this I know for sure. The intensity of my stress is related to my own aches and pains. I don’t have the energy for me. No one cares about me unless I can do something for them.

I know I sound angry…I am..I know I sound bitter…I am.. and I know I’m feeling sorry for myself but it’s my birthday and I’ll feel the way I want!