Managing Resentment: Challenges of Spousal Caregiving

As a family caregiver, you wear many hats – from nurse and companion to advocate and housekeeper – all while juggling your own emotional needs. So, it’s understandable that many caregivers report feeling overwhelmed and resentful of their situation and, sometimes, the partner for whom they care. If you feel this way, you’re not alone.

You may find yourself grieving the relationship you had before your partner’s health journey began. This grief, together with the immense weight of responsibilities and sacrifices, can build resentment over time.

Recognizing and understanding resentment are the first steps in managing it. Here’s how to spot signs of caregiver resentment of your spouse and how to navigate it effectively.

What is spouse caregiver resentment?

Spouse caregiver resentment is a feeling of frustration or anger that can develop when one partner has caregiving duties for another. Often, these emotions come from feeling overworked, alone or taken for granted.

Therapists and other professionals who work with caregivers report that resentment is normal. Many spouse caregiver relationships involve some level of resentment at some point. If you feel this way, you are not alone.

There are many reasons for this, including:

• Isolation: Caregiving often requires you to stop doing the things you once loved, like hobbies outside of the home. As you spend more time with your partner, you may spend less time with family and friends.
• Burnout: Caregiving is a task that doesn’t stop, which can lead to feelings of spouse caregiver burnout. It’s common to go without breaks that are needed to not wear yourself out.
• Lack of sleep: With 24/7 tasks, you may often go without the sleep you need. This can impact both emotional and physical health.
• Postponing your own self-care: You may often feel the need to put caregiving first. Indeed, it’s common for spouse caregivers to feel guilty when they prioritize their own care, even though it’s critical to their own health and well-being.
• Decreasing emotional/social/physical intimacy: When illness or injury impacts your relationship dynamics, it’s normal to grieve the intimate parts of your relationship that made you feel supported by, equal to and close with your partner.
• Wanting to feel cared for: It’s natural to want someone to care for and protect you. When you’re the caregiver, you often go without this care. Feeling like you are constantly giving your partner care but rarely receiving it back can be deeply challenging to process.
• Mourning “what used to be”/“what could have been,” etc.: It’s common to feel sad about the relationship you once shared. Plus, some spouse caregivers grieve the personal goals or careers that they needed to pause to provide care.