Again?

First, here’s the update on my health.

I finished radiation 4 days ago. I think physically I’m doing well. Skin is a bit raw but healing.

Radiation is not fun. It was harder than I anticipated. Techs could be bitchy at times. Other times they couldn’t have been nicer.

Emotionally it was draining. Never knowing which team I would get that day, never breathing properly, driving for an hour each way. Often I got nauseous while driving and tons of anxiety. Kept waiting for bad news but there wasn’t any.

Secondly, Amy’s update.

She’s still leaking. Urologist has offered a slight hope. A new urologist has been hired and expected to start in July. He specializes in reconstructive of urinary issues.

We don’t know if he can help her but it is a thin lifeline. Current urologist says it will be high risk and a 10 hr surgery. Her dead kidney will likely be removed. Wait and see!

This week she’s meeting with infectious diseases guy to discuss putting her on permanent antibiotics and she’s been approved for hyperbaric chamber therapy. That will require 30 days of hospital visits of 2 hours each. Hopefully, this will help her innards heal and stop infections.

Each visit she will lay inside a high pressure tube. No book, no devices but there’s a tv outside the chamber she can watch.

Lastly, I cannot believe this happened again. I had a friend that really hurt my feelings awhile ago because she thought I was playing the victim. She made it very clear she wouldn’t tolerate that. The stupid thing is that I wasn’t playing the victim. I was just sad that my life was no longer my own. My life was caregiving and I wanted more. I don’t think I was even complaining. I was simply acknowledging the losses. I guess that’s not allowed so I stopped telling her emotionally charged things.

I had stopped talking on the phone because I was having massive anxiety attacks but I would email her and always asked about her life however, I had to be super careful with my words since she was my last friend left after everyone else headed for easier relationships.

She was a ton of work as I was continually editing out emotions, feelings, opinions or worries. I had no one else and couldn’t risk losing her…or so I thought.

What would it say about me if she abandoned me too?

I found out yesterday. Maybe I can blame it on radiation or burn out or just being a crappy person but I let my guard down and told her I was struggling. I said I was worried about my sick cat ( I know to never talk about Amy any more since she ignores all discussion about her) and I said I wanted to hire house cleaners but the thought of having them in my house was overwhelming ( but the house really needs a good cleaning). I promised myself I would call them yesterday. I couldn’t do it and I told this ex friend how hard it was. That was my mistake. I was vulnerable, let it show and got slammed. She told me I was making mountains outta mole hills, she said horrible things about my cat and generally told me to get over myself.

After some time of me not responding she did reach out not exactly apologizing but acknowledging that how I was reacting might be normal for me. Whatever that means.

Devastation doesn’t come close to describing my reaction. Maybe I can blame it on radiation taking its toll or maybe burn out but it doesn’t matter what it’s called I was left with abandonment, fear and loss. I’m already such a mess emotionally I don’t know how to recover. Do I block her, pretend nothing has changed, confront her, or quietly ghost her?

I’m leaning towards quietly ghosting. No accusations, no excuses, no sucking up to her, just letting her go by only responding occasionally ( if she ever emails again) and only responding with “life is good”. No drama only protecting my feelings by not expecting support knowing she can’t provide it.

If you are a caregiver know this…it’s a bloody hard job. Few will praise you, few will hear you and only very few will stand by you till the end. I hope you have someone who will be there for you.