Getting away.

I needed a break so I checked into a hotel for 3 nights. The final day is a caregivers retreat so I felt somewhat justified.

I thought getting away from the constant worry and drama would settle me. It hasn’t. All the angst has come with me. I have managed to do some things just for me like get my hair cut and I got a makeover! But it’s the down times when I’m not hyper active that have caused me to realize that all the rotten feelings are still there.

Amy isn’t doing well. She leaking blood and urine, she’s weak and depressed but she tries so hard. She’s doing small things to help get her head in a more positive space. She’s doing small things like arts and crafts type things, she does them slowly but it’s helping her mental state.

She’s begged for prophylactic antibiotics but has been refused because they’re worried about resistance.

To watch someone go through this with nothing to hope for is exhausting and depleting. I’m so tired of “trying”. I always have to be “on” and I can’t do it anymore. I want to turn off just temporarily.

My own crap has taught me that I’m aging and constant relentless stress is contributing to my own mental health and physical health destruction.

What’s the answer? How do I save my self while trying to care for someone who is palliative? How do I prevent myself from slipping down that slope into absolute despair? Will I ever recover or is the damage too far gone?

I used to go to all her appointments and be overly involved. That was my biggest mistake. I should never have been so involved as that cause severe PTSD. But how could I know this would be relentless. Now I can barely talk to her. It’s not her fault. She’s such a strong person and she knows I’m collapsing so she tries to protect me. It’s just not much of a life.

Besides the lack of support, friends and family that have abandoned us, the hardest thing is the inability to make plans for the future. No travelling plans, no summer plans not even Mother’s Day plans because we never know how sick she’ll be. So much of our life has been cancelled literally and figuratively.

I am hoping the caregivers retreat tomorrow will help me connect with others that are struggling.