the beat goes on

Here’s the update.
I have 2 different types of breast cancer. It’s very early stages so a few stitches and a bit of radiation and I’ll be done. I’m not scared but it is an inconvenience. So many tests and appointments. But I can get through that.

Secondly, I have skin cancer. Not melanoma but squamous cell. Again not a big deal. Large lump was removed but they didn’t get good margins so I’m not sure what will happen with that. Breast surgeon offered to fix it if derm thought it was necessary. We will see how that plays out. Plus, derm removed a spot on my face that was tiny but bleeding.
The worst part is waiting for biopsy results. If one thing takes me down it will be the anxiety of waiting.
Amy isn’t doing too well. Another infection but now having a reaction to antibiotics. White sores in her mouth and red sores on her legs that have now blistered.
She called urologist on call and he wasn’t too happy to hear from her. She simply needed some guidance about whether to continue with drugs or switch to another. He said she could switch to another medication that she had on hand.
We’ll see today if she can eat anything besides yogurt.
They do want a telephone consult with her because her PETscan showed her right kidney is atrophying. More urine tests ordered plus a scan to measure how functional that kidney is. If it’s less that 20% then they’ll take it out.

The bottom line for me is that I’m collapsing emotionally. There is too much. I’m bitchy, angry, scared, lonely and exhausted.
my best advice to all caregivers to stay somewhat distant. I went to too many appts with her. Got too involved. Asked too many questions. Tried too hard. Now I’m burnt out and right now I’m hiding in my bedroom so I don’t have to face her. Not that she’s hard to be around but there is no fun in our house at the moment or for a long time.
Also, I can’t be Amy. I can’t be stoic like her. I’m too emotional or what I call “real”. I have anger and fear and those are real.
I have a counselling appointment booked with both the cancer centre and a private group. And I’m considering residential therapy for 4 weeks. I need to get out from under this weight of this unrelenting anguish. I need it to be spring literally and metaphorically!
I hope it’s spring where you are.

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