been gone awhile

WordPress has changed things and I find it really difficult to access this blog. I’ve missed typing out my feelings and since I have lost most of my support and my feelings are a bit crazy!

Update: I was attending a grief support group but often felt like a fraud. Their partners were all dead. My needs were the same but different.
Next month there’s a caregivers group starting so I’ve signed up.
I have a therapist who is good and referred me to DBT group starting tomorrow. Fingers crossed.
Also, tomorrow I have an appointment with my GP to discuss antidepressants which make me dizzy and will ask to be switched to something else.
Amy is holding her own. If she gets an infection it’s minor and clears up on its own. She’s still pale and stamina isn’t great but she’s able to work on some hobbies.
She’s got a power chair now and that gives her more freedom.
End of September is the stent change that was delayed due to Covid. That will cause an infection but I think we’re ready for that.
I still miss our sweet puppy. That will never go away. I wish we had kept her because I needed her. I haven’t laughed since she left. She was such a silly girl.

Currently: I am slowly learning to care for myself. I’m still pretty new at it but I have made some changes.
One change I made was to consider a return trip to Scotland. I was working out how to go so I was safe when Amy said she wanted to go. She called about travel insurance, she started making plans and I shut down. I don’t want to go with her. I’d be constantly monitoring her health, I’d have to put up with the smells and inability to walk more than a few feet.
I want a break. Sometimes I feel so weak like I should be better at this but other times I think that I used to be good at it but it’s been since 2007 and the intensity hasn’t lessen since 2017. Never break in seven years. But still I feel guilty.
my therapist asked if I was ready to leave her. I won’t lie. I’ve thought about it because I’m so tired of this but I would never abandon her. I do need to be nicer to her, though. I snap at her and get frustrated when she doesn’t remember things. She talked to the oncologist who agreed a PETscan was needed to determine if the cancer is possibly in her brain.
I don’t think it is. I think the brain fog is caused by drugs and stress that she never lets out.

My family hasn’t talked to me for a year. My in-laws are in an alternate reality and choose to ignore my needs. I have no friends and no one I feel close to. People are tired of me and there is nothing more devastating than realizing how costly desertion is.

if you know a caregiver reach out to them. Never ask “ how are you”. Instead ask “how can I help?” Or “what is one thing you want the world to know?” Then listen. Really listen especially to the things they’re not saying.