This is who we are

Carers are not hero’s. We don’t have magical powers. We don’t have a wand but we wish we did.
We cry. We shake. We get overwhelmed. We worry…oh so much. We have feelings that get hurt. We get abandoned by people who think we should act differently. We are afraid. We are lonely. We are stunned by the life we have to live. We are broken by the things we have lost. We try…oh god we try to make sure our loved one has a good life. We ask others for help like all the books say. “Ask for what you need”. But sometimes we get kicked in the teeth because we can’t be the person you have decided we should be. You’re not surviving this why do you think you get to pass judgement on how I cope. You don’t. You are making things so much worse for me as a caregiver and the patient when my resources are all run dry due to my feelings of low self worth because I can’t perform the way you think I should. I tried to be the person you think I should be but I can’t. My pain is as real as my patients. I am not a robot. I bleed when you blame me for setting boundaries. I cry when you leave me. I mourn over all the losses that you aren’t aware of because you never take the time to ask.
Asking “how are you” is such a lame excuse for pretending to care. That line is about you. You don’t care how I’m doing. You want me to say “ fine”. I’m not fine but you can’t handle that. You’re done with the worry, the gore, the fear. You’re done. But I’m not. I’m still drowning why can’t you throw me a life raft? How long do I have to fight to get you to notice that I’m bleeding and my life is sucking outta me?