a death

A woman we know well died yesterday. Colon cancer. She was a musical director for a choir we were involved with. She wasn’t supposed to die. It happened very fast once they realised chemo wasn’t working. It’s affected me greatly because her bowel was removed and she had a nephrostomy just like Amy. Sad, so sad. Amy is ok with her passing. I don’t get her sometimes. Is she really so accepting or is she just pushing it all away? This was someone she knew for years, liked and respected. She’s gone and Amy is cool with it? Makes no sense to me. I’m so different from her.

On a brighter note I got my first subscriber. Wow, thank you so much! I often feel I’m just talking to air. It’s nice to see someone is interested. I never say anything profound or enlightening. I just want a place to express my grief, joy, and fear occasionally.

Caring for a cancer partner is tough. People assume “ it’s just an infection”. When your gut is friable nothing is simple. When they removed her bladder it basically disintegrated. When she gets an infection, a twinge, a pain it’s never simple. It means multiple issues. Amy’s latest infection has now cleared up but every day leading up to that meant another phone call to another doctor. And Amy never complains so I know it’s bad when she says she’s in pain.
Drugs end tomorrow which means a new infection will grow in 2 days. It’ll take 5 days for a diagnosis and a new batch of drugs.
Why they aren’t giving her prophylactic antibiotics will always be a wonder to me. 
Next week she sees internal medicine to determine if she’s strong enough for surgery on Jan 31. I think they’ll pass her because healthy enough or not she has to have the surgery. It’s all kinda stupid if you ask me. But then no one ever asks! lol!

Had another disappointing week with a “friend”. Not really a friend anymore due to past issues( saying I was playing the victim etc). But I was so desperate to not lose another person from my life I’ve been playing the game she laid out for me. I’m not allowed to say how I’m feeling…no emotions and I can only talk about Amy and her condition if it’s couched in positive thoughts…or some foolish rules like that. So, I sporadically play along with a giant knot in my stomach.
She is going thru some changes in her residence, didn’t ask for my help but I offered some suggestions because I am an expert in that particular area. Boom! Another bloody mistake on my part! I was sucking up to her so she’d “like” me now I’m being shunned because she didn’t like what I offered.

Maybe I’ll never get it right but this time I am truly done. Okay…I’ll try to have better boundaries.

“you can’t have chips with every thing” …Proclaimers