the same

Life is still the same. Amy’s still fighting infections and my anxiety is controlling my life.

Amy looks green, her urostomy bag is noisy sounding like a waterfall at times and it smells. Antibiotics? Probably the cause.
Me…I hear all the noises and worry that this isn’t normal or healthy. She refuses to ask anyone about it because her system is so full of infection that it makes sense she’d have diarrhea. I want her to be in control of her life but where do I put my anxieties?

I burn candles everyday to control the household odours. She tries really hard to change her bag often but the contents are indescribable. Then, there’s the urine that smells like ammonia.

New surgeon on Tuesday. Hopefully he has a creative idea on how to insert a “thing” so her ureter stays open, drains into her bag, the nephrostomy bag can be removed and she can begin to heal. He specializes in laparoscopic procedures but Amy doesn’t think that will happen because of her bags. At this point we have no idea what he can offer.
Fingers crossed he has a quick and simple repair in mind.
Did I mention we’re getting a puppy on New Year’s Eve? I know it’s crazy. I love dogs but have never had one. Amy is so excited. I haven’t seen her this happy in years. I’m terrified. If she ends up back in the hospital how will I deal with puppy Findlay? I’m already fighting caregiver burn out how will I deal with a puppy and trips to the hospital? I think this dog is causing half of my anxiety. Maybe I’ll be better once she arrives.
While I’m worried about the demands of a young dog I’m willing to suck it up for Amy.
Also, I’ll enjoy having the distraction and the walks will be good for me. I had to make a hard decision to want to have a dog even if Amy dies. I know any infection or surgery or recurrence could wipe her out quickly.
It’ll be fine, right?

Yesterday, was awful for me. My family has decided to exclude me and my family from Christmas. They’re all going out for lunch on the 24th. We leave for Banff that day but rather than asking what day would act as an alternative they’ve decided to eliminate us. I know my family doesn’t like me and many times I’ve been left out but this time it’s unforgivable. How can they so bluntly exclude a person who suffers so much and our 6 year old grandson. They didn’t include him last year when we all got together. I tried really hard to understand and just be ok with how they treated us but I’m too fragile now. It broke me yesterday to hear all about their plans.
Is it the cancer? Is it an alcoholic family? I don’t get it.
I have no one to talk to anymore. I so desperately want a friend. Thanks for listening.