Low

I’ve watched 2 YouTubers that do caregiving for cancer spouses. I’ve noticed they never talk about anger, frustration or irritability.
They might talk about fear but not the debilitating fear that comes from waiting for the next phone call, next scan, next symptom.
They might mention sadness but not the overwhelming grief that comes from watching someone you love slowly get eaten away from an forgiving power that zaps every step you take.
These YouTubers always talk about what their partner has lost but not what they’ve lost.

Amy has lost so much freedom but so have I. My life isn’t mine. I can catch moments of peace and freedom but then there’s another appointment, another temp to be taken and more drugs to fight yet another infection. I’m always on guard watching and waiting.

Sex. No one ever mentions how cancer affects their sex life. No one ever asks about that!!! Amy has no sexual organs left. What does that mean for me? What am I supposed to do?

I’m not depressed today but I am off because the urologist called this morning to say he’s referred her to a different urologist that can do the surgery. General anesthetic, implant the stent from her kidney to her conduits, out the same day but it has to be repeated every 3 months! The surgery is to end the dependence on nephrostomy tube. That will be a welcome relief.
More waiting…

I kinda feel like no one gets what it’s like to be me. I can’t read books without getting anxious, I can barely watch TV cuz I can’t stay focused. Constant low grade anxiety and nightmares. No friends to talk to. How did this happen? What could I have done differently? I have good boundaries. I let Amy go to appointments alone when she doesn’t need a driver. I’m pulling away from constantly asking how she’s feeling. I want to make plans and have something to look forward to.

why does that feel so selfish? 😔