anger

Why today? I feel so much anger and resentment from things that have happened years ago. Why does it pop up seemingly out of nowhere?
Like the person I asked to do a Costco during Covid. We were over our heads with cancer stuff and I thought she won’t mind. She was so angry when she got here she was vibrating. I never asked her again and will never ask her for anything. Then, there’s the supposed friend that couldn’t support us at all yet she’s a psychologist. She just dumped us after we supported her thru her divorce. I don’t get it.

Yesterday, someone was appalled that Amy would even consider staying at her house when her nephrostomy tube is leaking. “So, she’ll probably leak all over my bed.” No, you stupid cow she takes precautions and would die if that happened. And besides she’d stay with you to do you a favour not because she wanted to stay with you for fun!
I wish I could tell these people how much they hurt me but that will never get me anywhere. I’ve learnt that confronting people just makes them angry and makes me feel worse. So I stay quiet and resentful and then wonder why depression and anxiety flattens me to the point of nonfunctional.

This is the latest on Amy… nurse came 3 times in one day cuz back was leaking. It’s still leaking but diagnostic imaging will replace tube in a few days. If you don’t understand nephrostomy tube leaks she’s basically peeing out her back.

-meeting with 2 surgeons nov 6 to discuss how to repair fistula. It appears to be a big surgery.

I have a stress fracture in my foot. Waiting for ultrasound and X-ray. No weight bearing. I hate crutches!!!
We have multiple family issues. And I wonder why today is so hard!
But some goodish news. Finally heard back from insurance company and they agreed to pay half of the vacation that was cancelled in July. Better than nothing but cancellation insurance isn’t all it’s cracked up to be!
Also, my parents offered to give me some money to hire a cleaning person. They have one so they understand. My parents haven’t been overly helpful thru this journey and when they first offered I felt awful but when I think about Amy’s reduced income due to LTDI and the overwhelming medical expenses, and my need for therapy I decided to graciously accept it.

I get it now. I have every right to be 😡 angry. We have a lot to deal with.