Yup, i’m a mess

Yesterday was hard. It takes a toll when you start to believe you must have done something wrong because nobody knows how broken you are. There’s so much guilt and anger at yourself knowing you can’t fix it and still be true to yourself. I guess I’d rather be alone than have to pretend I can be what you deem to be appropriate reactions. You don’t get to decide.

Remember, this blog is not meant for family or friends that’s why I’m telling no one I’m doing this. It’s between me and the universe. If melanoma caregivers happen to find it, that’s great. But if family or friends find it I guarantee you will be upset and that’s not my problem. I refuse to be responsible for your feelings.

I’m switching tracks a bit today. This blog will now focus on semi daily updates and less on the history.

Today we found out that Amy’s next surgery will be Aug 23. Since having her bladder removed in May she’s had nothing but constant infections including sepsis a few weeks ago. The next procedure will involve inserting a stent so her urine can flow better into her stoma. The last time they did this it caused dormant bacteria to explode in her body leading to 2 trips to emerg and hospitalization for many days. So, to say I’m anxious is an understatement!

Here’s, the good news. Having a surgery date means we get to go away for 5 days to the mountains! It’s a lodge for people with disabilities in a beautiful location. We have to haul in bedding and food but that’s ok. We’ll keep it simple. It’ll be nice to have no wifi or internet.
It feels good to end this blog on a happy note!