Let’s talk about ABANDONMENT

So…if your life is moving along and you’re doing all the “right” things and you’re happy with everything and then you get slammed with a cancer diagnosis what happens next?

What happens to relationships, friendships and who supports you?

My experience has been mystifying. Some people in the beginning were absolutely dismissive. “It’s just skin cancer”. “ I thought it was just basal cell cancer”. “I’m busy with my family”.

Other people didn’t talk about it. No flowers, no phone calls, didn’t want updates. At first it was ok. We were spinning and had no idea what we were doing or what we needed. As the years progressed and the unrelenting cancer recurred again and again our needs became greater and support changed.
Currently, our needs are extreme and any support for me has evaporated ( except for therapy and support groups). Friends have left me one by one. I’ll admit I burnt them out. Too many details, too much trauma, too much negativity, too much sorrow all led to the scant few friends I had left after 16 years, to head for the hills. I don’t blame them…but I kinda do. I needed them and still do.

The last one left today. No big drama, no fighting but an observable lack of caring. A message was sent that made it impossible to ignore. This person would only communicate with me if it was shallow and superficial. I was no longer able to talk about cancer updates or have any emotional content.

It hurt. I imploded. I had made so many changes to how I communicated in the past 6 months since my closest friend said horrible things to me about how I wasn’t trying hard enough and how everyone was afraid of me. I guess I didn’t try hard enough because now I only have Amy and I have to be careful what I say to her.

Is this normal? Yes and no. People have their own crap to deal with. Most of us have little extra for emotional support. They can make a casserole but want nothing to do with anger or fear. People often assume anger is a negative emotion when it can be quite healing. Cancer caregivers can get angry then feel shame because they are angry. It’s a vicious cycle.

I’ve learnt my lesson. No more trusting people with my precious feelings. From now on everything will be “fine”. I cannot afford to be kicked in the teeth again.